Just Human
by foreverchasingthedream
Summary: Carla's thoughts in the episodes surrounding the 9th December 2011.
1. Something so natural

"Was I out of order then?"

"No. But you have to go home. Go home"

I am speechless.

I cannot believe what has just happened. Everything I have been wishing for in the last 12 months becoming a reality. A reality that was so right and yet so very wrong.

This evening had started off in a rather different manner to where it had ended...

As I walked out of the Dev's I was hit by the cool December air. I was panicked. He had informed me that Peter had been in and taken a bottle of vodka. I knew he was struggling given the date. A year since the tram ripped through the street and all of our lives. I already knew that he was worried about making his speech in front of everybody, he felt guilty that Ashley had died whilst he had survived. He felt that he was unworthy and this scared me. I couldn't live without him in my life, no matter what capacity he was in, or not in my life.

As I reached the front door of the bookies flat I noticed it was slightly ajar. I knew Leanne would be busy working at the Bistro, that was clearly her main priority. Her and her bit on the side. I couldn't believe that she treated such a kind, gentle, loving man with such little respect. If Peter was mine I would make sure he knew just how amazing he was every hour of every day. I don't understand why he puts up with her. Lowering himself to her level. But I pushed that out of my mind. For now. I had to make sure that Peter was ok and be there for him in his hour of need as he was for me.

I anxiously make my way up the stairs of the flat. A flat that I had been into on so many occasions. However, I didn't know what sight I would face at the top. I wasn't even sure if he would be there and if he was what state of mind he would be in. With each step I climbed my heart was beating faster and faster. I wasn't scared of Peter, I never could be but after Frank I was extra cautious around everybody.

I slowly pushed the inner door open. My heart had been beating out of my chest but I was met by a warming sight as I turned into the flat. I was overjoyed to see him there, I could tell he'd been drinking but seeing that he was safe was the most important thing to me.

I had been taken aback by the manner in which he spoke to me. I could sense the agitation in his voice. He was in a very fragile state and I didn't want to make that worse so I tried to be reasonable with him and get him to see the cold hard truth but I should have known it was useless. There's no talking to him when he's drunk. The more I tried the more frustrated he became until he got to the point of yelling at me to "get out."

Although I would not show this to him by this point I was becoming quite unnerved. The last time that I had been in a confrontational situation with a man he had raped me. Not that Peter would ever do that it still sends shivers down my spine at the thought of upsetting him whilst he's angry. With that I turned on my heel and left him. As awful as I felt leaving him alone in this state there was no arguing with him, what could I do?

I made my way back down the stairs as slowly as possible, hoping he would call my name and ask me back in and ask for the help that he so desperately needed but as I reached the bottom step I knew my luck was out. I slowly dropped my feet to the last step and took one last glance up towards the flat resisting the urge deep within my heart to run back up those stairs, hold him in my arms, tell him everything would be ok and that I would never let him go.

I couldn't believe half an hour later when he stumbled through my front door. After the way we had left things before I wasn't expecting to see him until tomorrow when he would be riddled with guilt over the way he had behaved, grovelling and I would forgive him of course after all I'd put him through I couldn't begrudge him a bit of moping.

This whole evening had been spent discussing Peter and what had got him to today. I learnt so much more about him than what he had previously let on. The lucid state in which he was in meant there was no holding back his deepest darkest memories. The saddest moment came when he told me that "if Ashley would have lived instead of me this world would be a much better place."

To think that barely two months ago it was me with those thoughts. Thoughts of how much better the world would be without me but now I realise what I have to live for and I needed Peter to realise that. I was being selfish but he pulled me up from rock bottom, without him I wouldn't be here and I couldn't imagine a life with him not in it.

Within the hour that we had been sat on my sofa talking about our lives Peter had almost sobered himself up, aided by the coffee I had been pouring down his neck. A far cry from the drink of his choice but now was my turn to look after him.

Finally he was almost in a state for facing Leanne but he needed to freshen himself up to hide all evidence of his evening drowning his sorrows and I agreed on his idea, offering a spare toothbrush that I kept on the side in case I had unexpected visitors.

Whilst he was in the shower in took 10 minutes for myself to process all of the things he had opened up to me tonight. I knew he had been through more than I was aware of but now I admired him more that I did before if that was possible. He had been dragged down more times than me and he was still just about standing strong. This gave me the strength to know that maybe I could do it after all. I also thought deeply about the moment his gentle hands had held my face. The softness of his hand had melted my not-so stone heart. As his face edged ever closer to mine I longed to lean into his lips. In that moment we had both wanted the same thing but for now I had to be the strong one. I knew he was drunk so I know I shouldn't read anything into it...

As he walked out of the shower he looked much fresher and the sparkle was starting to reappear within his deep brown eyes eyes. A sparkle that made me go weak at the knees, a sparkle that I wished I could wake up to every morning, a sparkle that didn't belong to me.

With that I helped him into his jacket. We were stood so close yet there was a void between us. A void that couldn't be filled with words. I knew this was wrong so I settled for a hug, but this was more than just a hug. It was a soft embrace. He held onto me and I never wanted to let him go. As we began to pull apart he continued to hold me close.

As stared into each other's eyes, these looks communicating more than our words ever could. He again moved his face towards me and this time I couldn't stop it. How could I stop something that felt so natural? There was nothing forced about this. I closed my eyes and felt the silk feeling of his lips brush against mine.

Our kiss only last for a mere couple of seconds but in that time everything slowed down. All I could focus on was that his lips were against mine, moving in such a loving gentle manner, a kiss initiated by him.

This wasn't the first kiss we had shared. The last one had been a few months ago, before I had flown to Rome with Frank. A trip that would change everything. That kiss hadn't been gentle, it was desperate and needy before it had come to an abrupt end.

This kiss was so very different. I could feel the love radiating from his lips. I savoured every moment of it but it was over as quickly as it had begun. With that I told him to leave. I was trying to do the right thing. All of my past relationships had gone wrong when there were too many people involved. As much as I loved Peter I couldn't do that, not to him but more importantly not to myself. After everything this year I need to look after myself and with that he was gone.

I was alone again in this flat with nothing but might have beens.


	2. I Want You So Much

**Had a little change around in the ordering of some of the lines but this is what happened after Peter arrived back at Carla's flat. Enjoy :)**

"What do you want me to do? Do you want me to go home?"

"No, no, please stay. Please, just stay and hold me. Please"

What a night...

I was lost in a world of my own. I had spent the last half an hour running through the events of this evening. About everything that Peter had told me, the way he had opened up to me and they way his lips felt against mine.

I jumped as the buzzer went in my flat. Unexpected noises still startled me and as it was late and I wasn't expecting anybody I panicked a little. As I slowly got myself up and made my way to the door I was dragged back from the bubble I had been in. I was back in reality as I reached the door. I still wasn't sure I wanted to answer it. I had spent the previous half an hour feeling rather emotional and I was now worn out. But I decided that it wasn't fair on whoever it might have been stood out in the cold. I suspected it would probably be Maria. She still likes to pop round on the occasional evening when she knows I'll be sat in my flat, alone. As much as I was usually grateful for her company tonight I didn't feel like putting on my tough exterior. Even though Maria had seen me at my weakest point I still wasn't comfortable with showing her the real me. I did that with Michelle only. She was my best friend. She was the one who properly knew me inside out and as she was away working on her cruise with Ciaran I made sure to hold in as much of me as possible.

"Carla, I need to see you. Let me in?" Came the voice through my intercom. I could straight away tell that it was Peter. After all that had happened I couldn't believe he was back. I'd sent him home to be with his wife. In the time that he had been gone I had pictured them snuggled up together on the sofa, pictured them going to bed together, pictured them waking up in each other's arms. These were pictures that I was jealous of. I wasn't just jealous that she had Peter, I was jealous they were a couple who were in love and happy. I craved a normal, loving relationship.

But then it can't have been a normal, loving relationship could it? Not if he had kissed me, not if he had turned up on my doorstep saying he needed to see me. With that I buzzed him up.

I now had a maximum of two minutes whilst he made his way up the stairs to sort myself out. I quickly flung open the bathroom door where the steam was still resting gently on the surfaces from when Peter had used this room to prepare himself for facing Leanne. I looked into the mirror and desperately tried to remove the slight smudges of mascara that were hanging below my eyes. I didn't want him to see me upset over what had gone on earlier, I didn't want to let on to him that he had got to me in such a way.

I could hear his footsteps racing across the hallway that led to my flat. He sounded in a hurry and that didn't fill me with confidence. He was probably back to tell me that our kiss had been a mistake, that he loves Leanne, that he was going to keep his distance because his marriage to his loving wife was his priority. But those words never once left his mouth.

As the words started tumbling from his mouth so many questions went through my head; was he drunk? No, I could tell he wasn't. I knew this man better than I'd care to admit. Was he taking pity on me? No, he wasn't like that. He knew I was fragile now and he wouldn't mess me around like that. Was he speaking the truth? Yes, maybe he was. Maybe this was how he felt and I'd been waiting long enough to hear it.

"It's time for me to man up and deal with it"

"Deal with what?"

I knew what he meant. I knew exactly what he meant. But I needed him to say it. I needed him to make it clear. I needed to hear the words come from his mouth. And they did. After months of waiting and willing him to say it, he said it. The words strung together in such a simple sentence, a sentence that I had been longing for and a sentence that flowed so naturally.

"Carla, I love you"

Even after he said the words I doubted him. I told him no. I gave him the opportunity to leave. I tried to push him away before it was too late. But we were long past being too late. I was in far too deeply already but I needed to be sure. My fragile mind wouldn't cope with another great let down. He knew that, of course he knew that. He knew me better than most. He could see when I was hurting, when I was vulnerable, when I needed space. He knew me already.

As he took hold of my cheek our faces edged ever closer together. As our lips brushed together I relaxed. I felt safe and loved and worthy, a feeling that I hadn't felt since Liam. He was the only other man who I had truly loved despite my many tried and failed marriages. I had used my relationships in the last three years as a distraction from my grief. They were used to try and gain some of the feelings that Liam had given me but none had matched up to that. Until now. I know that Liam would have approved of Peter, he was a kind loving man underneath his exterior and Liam would want me to be happy. This was the confirmation I needed that what was happening right now was the right thing.

It wasn't the right thing though. It was wrong on so many levels. Peter had a wife and child at home. A wife who despite everything he had put her through had stuck by him. I should feel guilty for putting another woman through the pain of her man leaving her. But this was Leanne. A woman who had wrecked my life. A woman who ultimately led to the death of my Paul. A man who had cared and provided for me. A man who worked his backside off to get me away from the hell of the estate. A man who did love me and I him despite our frequent blazing rows. But part of me is glad of her interference in our marriage. Our marriage was heading in only one direction; the divorce courts. If she hadn't got in the way chances are I wouldn't be here with Peter now. I owe her one.

We continued to kiss as the tears rolled down my cheeks. These weren't tears of sadness they were tears of happiness and exhaustion. I was exhausted trying to fight and conceal my feelings but now I didn't have to and I felt rather overwhelmed. I knew that in front of Peter I didn't have to hold back. I didn't have to hide my tears. Not anymore. He gently wiped away my tears with his thumbs as he continued to tell me that "I don't have to stay clear of you", "it's you that I want to be with", "you're the only thing that matters in this world"

With that I was done with words. I believed him. I didn't need him to say anything else. I just needed him. We continued to kiss before it came to a mutual end and he held me tightly whilst allowing my tears to subside. He continued to place loving kisses into my hair as we stood there, both taking in all that had happened.

After standing there in each other's arms for a few minutes we slowly pulled apart and made our way to the settee. I sat down and quickly became lost in a world of my own. Peter knew that I needed time and he gave it to me. I was so grateful that he understands me and what I need. I was thinking about everything that had gone on over the last few months. How differently things could have ended.

I turned to face Peter for the first time since we had sat down. I looked deeply into his eyes. He knew exactly what I was thinking and so he said what he knew I needed to hear.

"I meant every word of it"

And with that we were lost in a world of frenzied kisses. This time we didn't have to hold back, or hide anything. We both knew how we felt and there were no words left to communicate this.

It wasn't long before we were laid back across the settee, Peter on top of me. Our kisses continued to deepen but they were becoming more desperate and needy. I knew where this was heading and I tried to block out all of my other thoughts and focus on the here and now with Peter, a man who loved me.

"C'mon" Peter said as he grabbed my hand and pulled me from the sofa. It wasn't long before our kiss was resumed and we were making our way into my bedroom.

As we walked back we stopped and continue to enjoy our kiss, the way our bodies were working in sync. In that moment Peter gently pushed me back against the wall.

I could feel Peter continuously pressing kisses against my lips. But it wasn't Peter. He was there. It was his face. Him pinning me up against the wall. His hand around my throat. Touching me. Forcing me. Raping me. He was everywhere. I could feel his hand as he ripped my blouse from me. His hand wandering around my skirt. His eyes filled with rage. His words; "you made me do it"

I couldn't do it anymore. My body was screaming at me to stop this. This was wrong, this was bad, he would hurt me.

My mind was screaming at me to continue this. This was right, this was Peter, he cared about me, loved me, he was gentle and would never hurt me.

Eventually my body won. I had stopped Peter. I felt so guilty, this wasn't just about what I wanted it was about him too. I was scared that this would put him off, he'd see I was a wreck and run back home to Leanne. The normal, sensible woman who didn't push him away on their way to bed. But he didn't. He looked me in the eyes. He never broke our eye contact and I needed that. It made me trust in him more and it made me accept that now was the time for moving on. He was proving to me all the time that not every man was like that monster. As much as I knew this I still needed it proving to me.

He continued to stay by my side as I calmed down from my moment of panic. He knew to let me calm down and not to push me until I was ready. I apologised over and over again to him. I felt so guilty but he told me that he would wait and the way he said it made me believe in him. I knew that he wouldn't pressure me into anything until I was ready and that made me fall just a little bit more in love with him.

"What do you want me to do? Do you want me to go home?"

"No, no, please stay. Please, just stay and hold me. Please"

And with that he held me all night long, never once breaking his promise.


End file.
